Saturday, November 14, 2009

football and nonsense....

Good game last night~ Loboes pull out a one point win in ot and are on to the next week of playoffs. Next week, believe it or not, we will be playing in Early. We'll be playing San Saba, which makes me happy. Of course I better not get too happy because when I get overly happy about who we are playing we tend to not win so much...hehehe.
Anyway, Jordan and I were just looking up brackets and whatever on the computer and trying to figure out who we might play the next week and on to State if we should continue on...which we will because we are the Loboes. I just love the football!!!
So, next week we'll be close and be playing a game I'm pretty sure we'll win easily. I like that. Then maybe we'll get to play Sanford-Fritch!!
As for now I'm just so happy that the game turned out like it did last night. OT play is always a nail biter, but last night was REALLY a hard one to wait out. I like it when the game is not a run away, but I hate it when everything we do seems to get undone by the other team and we seem to be running in place...BUT winning is winning and it lets us play again.
After the game I had the strangest dreams all night about going on a trip with my dad and my kids. I lost the car in a parking lot and never did find it. I was very frustrated when I woke up, but it is always nice to dream about dad. Well, at least when it's good dreams.
Ugh! There are so many flies in my house...I had the door open a lot yesterday because it was so pretty out and they just decided that it's great to be indoor flies and I think they have raised tiny little fly families in here now. I'm about to get the fly swatter out and start ending the family tree!!
Other than those things it's just a quiet Saturday and I'm about to get off here and get Jordan to work on his room and get myself to work on the kitchen and the laundry. Now that I have everyone else's laundry done I can get all mine done! I'll be glad when Christmas comes and Valerie gets her new w/d so she can keep up with her own laundry. I don't mind doing hers for her, but it gets me behind at times on my own and I hate to be behind on laundry. hehee..I just looked and there is probably one load in there, what a baby am I to complain about one load!?
Okay, talk to you later...the phone's ringing!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Creating Habits

Okay, so it's still quiet in the house this morning and I love this time of day because it's when I can think and plan and get things worked out in my head. For me, I have to have things set out in my brain before I can ever get anything moving on the outside. This may be part of the reason I get so little done at times...having little or no time to think leaves me with a blank brain and that means I'm lost as to getting anything done.
At General Conference this past month Elder Bednar gave the most amazing talk. I know it's not the one most people have been talking about from Conference but I can honestly say that his talk has changed our home. Jordan and I have been sort of disconnected for a while, no big secret there. This summer was a particularly rough one in our lives. Jordan's illness, exploded into an ongoing fight this summer. We couldn't decide what to have for dinner it seemed like without a power struggle and a few threats of violence. His new found strength, thanks to the football summer strength program, made this even harder to deal with because I found myself at a loss as to how I was going to deal with this if it kept escalating. He's stronger than I am already and until we got his medication changed he was in a constant rage over nothing.
Now that things are under control with his emotions we have needed to patch up our "relationship" because it really was being damaged through all of this. It was just a question of how we could do it. I suggested that we attend family therapy, in addition to his regular therapy, but that never did come about. So, things went along tense but calm until General Conference.
Elder Bednar spoke of being "More Diligent and Concerned at Home" right on the nose was that? I heard the talk during Conf. Then immediately looked it up on the's amazing how fast they have it available to listen to on there. I listened to it again that Saturday. I played it for Jordan and it was like a light had turned on in our lives. I knew immediately what we had to do and how to chance the course of our home. Monday morning, before Jordan left for school I stopped him at the door and asked that we begin our day the way missionaries do by not leaving the house before we have prayer together. He agreed and after our prayer I asked him the BIG QUESTION!!!
Could I have ONE hug! Just one in the mornings before he leaves for the day and I wouldn't ask him for anything more. This is a big deal with Jordan because he doesn't like to touch people. He especially doesn't like to hug people. I would add that maybe he especially doesn't like to hug ME...but that's just because he's 14, no other reason. But honestly he has a pretty strong aversion to touching people...he will sniff them, but doesn't really want to touch them...that's a WHOLE OTHER POST!!
Anyway, he did it. He gave me a hug. It wasn't the best. In fact it was almost painful...I KNOW it was painful for him I could tell that for sure. It was hard for him, but he did it. And every day since then he's stopped long enough for prayer and a hug. The hugs have gotten more natural. The prayers have gained meaning. The mood in our home has changed. Power struggles are still exist, but they are less frequent and less volatile.
It's habit now. It's what we do now. We stop long enough to pray and hug and have even added the "I love you" that we both need. It's been nice. It's been a habit worth developing!! Thanks Elder Bednar.....

Monday, November 9, 2009

Another Monday!

I got up this morning looking forward to a new week with the kids and the house and just life in general. Feeling good today. Then the kids decided to I know they are just curious and full of energy and all that, but by lunch time I was tired of the day and ready for it to be over with. Oh well, nap time always renews me for the afternoon and I'm still riding pretty high off of the fact that I didn't die with that stupid flu, so it's all good.
I'm still fighting a cough and feeling like I'm not getting much air even though I feel like I'm breathing okay. It's just taking so long to get over this mess and I want to feel all better so I can do things. Mostly I'd just like to get back to walking on the treadmill in the mornings. I feel sluggish when I don't get to start my day out with a little activity, but the way I am right now I can't start out with activity, or I'll pass out...
The good news is the family is doing well. Jordan has really been doing well since his last medication change. I'm so glad of that. He's been getting up for school fairly easily and there have been no outbursts or threats or anything like that. This past weekend was strange.
He went off to the football game on Friday night with the band and didn't get home until after midnight, but I had told him before school that day that he was going to have to spend the weekend at home getting his room clean and in some sort of order. He agreed, but then woke me up after getting home from the game to see if he could spend the night with Tyler. He doesn't usually spend the night with Tyler, and being asleep I agreed. So, Saturday morning he wasn't home and I had to go off to Abilene for a little while. I left a note telling him what all he needed to do when he got home.
I got home at about four and he had been home, ignored the note and was gone again. I called his friends to find him and figured out where he was, but I decided not to go get him because he KNEW that I had asked that he stay home this weekend and I really expected him to call and come home soon on his own. He never did. Late Saturday night he came in and got his medication and apparently decided to spend the night with another friend and Sunday morning I headed off to Church on my own.
I found a note when I got home from Church saying he would be home by three....well, the end of the story is, at about seven fifteen he called to see if I could come pick him up. I did and didn't mention anything about the weekend. I got the house cleaned on my own, except for his room. I'm NOT doing his room for him, he's almost 15 years old he can clean his own room. He never argued with me Sunday night when I told him to get a shower and get ready for bed at eight thirty. I told him I'd be getting him up early in the morning and he didn't balk at that either. He knew he had done wrong, and that's what I'm counting on to get this straight. He needs to know that it's not ME imposing consequences on him, but that he's calling them down on himself. He had to get up early this morning to start work on his room and then he will be sent directly in there to continue when he gets home. Also, I'm not going to allow him to go to his friends' this weekend because he doesn't really deserve to go right now, but we'll talk about that when the time comes.
I have decided that I'm just not going to fight with him anymore, I'm just going to stick to my guns and keep things simple. I can't keep fighting over every single thing that comes up. It's not healthy, it's not good for our home and it's not helping him or me at all!
We'll see how things go this week!
Love and Logic!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Surviving the swine flu!

I started this blog and immediately got sick with the flu and didn't write any more. I am getting over it now and feel like it's time to update things so as to keep my momentum going. I am intent on sharing my thoughts on this blog and if I slack for a while I'll just give up on it. The entire purpose is that I learn to get outside of my head and work things out.
So, here I am again writing about things and actually enjoying myself. Of course, it helps that I finally got my new split keyboard in the mail today because that hideous straight one was NO GOOD at all. I'd gotten used to it, but it was still never comfortable, this one is SO much better.
The flu! Having the flu is never fun, but this swine flu was just wrong! First of all it kept teasing me for like three days. Kept giving me that "something's coming on" headache and low fever, but then nothing. Finally after three days of that there were three days of HIGH fever, coughing, headache, nausea and restlessness. Just miserable days. Couldn't sleep laying down because I couldn't breathe. The restlessness was almost worse than the rest of it. Once I finally got the fever down to not cooking my brain it just hung on for another four days sort of coming and going, but not getting as high as at first. I'd feel a little bit better and then, bam back where I started.
Since it's just Jordan and me here it was terrible on the house. Jordan certainly doesn't do anythig around here when he feels good so when he was still feeling bad himself he did less than nothing. I tried a couple of times to clean up, but it never worked out. I pooped out before I got much done. Once Jordan was feeling better he just refused to help at all which ticked me off and that made it all worse. I was mad at him for not doing one simple thing I asked him to do, so I got up and did it myself and then felt worse for getting out of breath and all worked up.
Anyway, almost all better now. I just have this cough lingering now and even though it's really annoying I am just glad to be better than I was the last ten days. THANK GOODNESS!! I have vowed never to get sick again. Yeah, we'll see, but I'm certainly going to try HARD to stay well...and I'm going to appreciate being well!!! I PROMISE!!

Now, for a bit of a funny that happened on me today, sort of because of being sick. Valerie and I were watching Modern Family from this past week. The part where the two gay guys locked the baby in the car is just too funnnnnnyyyy! The little chubby one running with the trash can saying, "I'm gonna break the window" in that high pitched voice just kills me...almost litterally!
We watched it and laughed and then Valerie went to sit at the computer desk and I started laughing again. The only thing is I couldn't really laugh because I have that annoying congestion in my chest and so I sort of got choked on the laugh....and suddenly I didn't know what was happening and Valerie was standing over me saying "Mom, what are you doing, what are you doing?"
Apparently I passed out and was jerking around and my eyes were rolling back in my head cause I got so out of breath....hehehe. Scared the hooey out of too for a minute there. I've often thought that was going to happen to me, but this is the first time that I've actually passed out from laughing too funny is that?????
Okay, gotta go now. Talk to you later!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Naptime musings!

So, here we are, naptime. One of my favorite times of the day. Not really! I always enjoy naptime for about fifteen minutes and then I start to sort of get bored. I've tried using this time of day for reading, but I get too sleepy when I do that...afterall everyone else is sleeping. I've tried to use this time to do the cleaning that I haven't been able to do during the day, but some of that can't be done because it'll wake the kids. I could do dishes, but since I've gone to throw away plates I don't really have enough dished by lunchtime to justify a sink of dishwater. Maybe that I have someone to talk to at naptime I will use the time better and not get bored anymore. I'm talking about you of course. (even though I know no one is going to be reading this, but the you I refer to computer {?})
Anyway, one of the reasons I originally wanted to start a blog was because of a dream I had the other night about Jordan. He's a great kid and I love him so much, but sometimes we just clash over the stupidest things and I hate it when that happens because, well, because I know it's just stupid.
The other night I had this dream that he and I were living here, in our house, only it wasn't "ours" at the time it belonged to this other family and we were just sort of staying with them because we didn't have anywhere else to go for whatever reason. It was a mom and dad and they had like three kids maybe. I don't really remember.
She had been pregnant, but she lost the baby. A lot of things had already happened that I knew about, but that didn't happen during the dream, if that makes sense. Jordan hit the mom in the head with a huge 2x4, and from what I gathered it was because I told him to. I told him that it would be okay because they knew that he was "ill" and that they wouldn't blame him. So, he did it and sure enough they were very understanding about it.
He did something else, akin to that, and the family finally had enough and they called the police to get Jordan out of there. When they were taking him away I was leaving too and I felt bad because all of the things that he had done were because I told him to...sort of like the voices in his head that used to tell him to do bad things.
Turns out he was also the reason that she lost this other baby and again I told him to do it...don't ask why because I still haven't figured out why I would want him to do all these things, especially hurt her unborn baby.
Blah, blah, blah...the dream was about like that. So, I woke up and suddenly thought to myself that my recent worries about Jordan and his illness may not be so much about him "getting lost" so much as that I'm not doing right by him and therefore making him worse. I know that I have never felt like I'm helping him as much as a mother should, but when I start thinking that I wonder..."WHAT should I be doing more?"
I take him to all of his appointments, I make sure he has his medication, I listen to what the doctors say and I try to implement the things they suggest. I take him to therapy when he has appointments. I just get the feeling that there HAS to be more...

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Catch!

I just thought I'd mention that I'm still working up my courage to start talking here, but don't give up on me I'm committed to doing this. It feels good to get on and talk on the keyboard, so I know this is what I need to's just scary for me.
Found out Kathy's leaving soon and that scares me. She's been my go to person for a long time and she gives the best advice. I don't know what I'm going to do without her, which is probably going to make this outlet just that much more important to me.
I'll get back with you in the quiet of naptime today. The great thing about running a "group day home" is that I get to be home for my kids, get to work on the laundry while "at work", get to play for a living and then there is the JOY OF NAPTIME!! Sometimes I wish it was MY naptime, but at least there is that nice little break for me in the middle of the day where I can stop and think and enjoy the silence for a while. It's a good reflecting time for long as certain people don't show up and screw it all up...yes I'm talking about you Brooke!
Okay, on to the playing....

Starting things up!

This is SOOOOOOOO scary for me. You know I have this things about people knowing what I'm thinking. I hate it! BUT, on the other hand, I have been thinking that I have this need to talk about things and I talk best on a keyboard, so I thought I'd give blogging a try.

First I'll tell you about my blog. I named it "Talking to Shadows" because of my 14 year old son Jordan. He does this thing when he is hearing voices that we have always called "shadow talking". He will talk, for example, "I'm going outside" and then he will mouth it to himself again, "I'm going outside" sound, just mouths the words. We talked to one of his doctors about it when he was in the hospital one time and they gave it a name, but I can't remember what she said it was, not that it matters. We call it shadow talking and we know what that means. Now you do too.

Second, I have no idea what I intend to do with a blog of my own, but I know that when I need to talk, typing works so much better for me. Talking is great, but writing is just more comfortable for me.

So, here we go...welcome to my world!!