Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Naptime musings!

So, here we are, naptime. One of my favorite times of the day. Not really! I always enjoy naptime for about fifteen minutes and then I start to sort of get bored. I've tried using this time of day for reading, but I get too sleepy when I do that...afterall everyone else is sleeping. I've tried to use this time to do the cleaning that I haven't been able to do during the day, but some of that can't be done because it'll wake the kids. I could do dishes, but since I've gone to throw away plates I don't really have enough dished by lunchtime to justify a sink of dishwater. Maybe that I have someone to talk to at naptime I will use the time better and not get bored anymore. I'm talking about you of course. (even though I know no one is going to be reading this, but the you I refer to is...mr. computer {?})
Anyway, one of the reasons I originally wanted to start a blog was because of a dream I had the other night about Jordan. He's a great kid and I love him so much, but sometimes we just clash over the stupidest things and I hate it when that happens because, well, because I know it's just stupid.
The other night I had this dream that he and I were living here, in our house, only it wasn't "ours" at the time it belonged to this other family and we were just sort of staying with them because we didn't have anywhere else to go for whatever reason. It was a mom and dad and they had like three kids maybe. I don't really remember.
She had been pregnant, but she lost the baby. A lot of things had already happened that I knew about, but that didn't happen during the dream, if that makes sense. Jordan hit the mom in the head with a huge 2x4, and from what I gathered it was because I told him to. I told him that it would be okay because they knew that he was "ill" and that they wouldn't blame him. So, he did it and sure enough they were very understanding about it.
He did something else, akin to that, and the family finally had enough and they called the police to get Jordan out of there. When they were taking him away I was leaving too and I felt bad because all of the things that he had done were because I told him to...sort of like the voices in his head that used to tell him to do bad things.
Turns out he was also the reason that she lost this other baby and again I told him to do it...don't ask why because I still haven't figured out why I would want him to do all these things, especially hurt her unborn baby.
Blah, blah, blah...the dream was about like that. So, I woke up and suddenly thought to myself that my recent worries about Jordan and his illness may not be so much about him "getting lost" so much as that I'm not doing right by him and therefore making him worse. I know that I have never felt like I'm helping him as much as a mother should, but when I start thinking that I wonder..."WHAT should I be doing more?"
I take him to all of his appointments, I make sure he has his medication, I listen to what the doctors say and I try to implement the things they suggest. I take him to therapy when he has appointments. I just get the feeling that there HAS to be more...

Saturday, October 10, 2009

The Catch!

I just thought I'd mention that I'm still working up my courage to start talking here, but don't give up on me I'm committed to doing this. It feels good to get on and talk on the keyboard, so I know this is what I need to do...it's just scary for me.
Found out Kathy's leaving soon and that scares me. She's been my go to person for a long time and she gives the best advice. I don't know what I'm going to do without her, which is probably going to make this outlet just that much more important to me.
I'll get back with you in the quiet of naptime today. The great thing about running a "group day home" is that I get to be home for my kids, get to work on the laundry while "at work", get to play for a living and then there is the JOY OF NAPTIME!! Sometimes I wish it was MY naptime, but at least there is that nice little break for me in the middle of the day where I can stop and think and enjoy the silence for a while. It's a good reflecting time for me...as long as certain people don't show up and screw it all up...yes I'm talking about you Brooke!
Okay, on to the playing....

Starting things up!

This is SOOOOOOOO scary for me. You know I have this things about people knowing what I'm thinking. I hate it! BUT, on the other hand, I have been thinking that I have this need to talk about things and I talk best on a keyboard, so I thought I'd give blogging a try.

First I'll tell you about my blog. I named it "Talking to Shadows" because of my 14 year old son Jordan. He does this thing when he is hearing voices that we have always called "shadow talking". He will talk, for example, "I'm going outside" and then he will mouth it to himself again, "I'm going outside"...no sound, just mouths the words. We talked to one of his doctors about it when he was in the hospital one time and they gave it a name, but I can't remember what she said it was, not that it matters. We call it shadow talking and we know what that means. Now you do too.

Second, I have no idea what I intend to do with a blog of my own, but I know that when I need to talk, typing works so much better for me. Talking is great, but writing is just more comfortable for me.

So, here we go...welcome to my world!!