Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Time to move!

Not out of the house! Time to get up and move or make my move or something. If I don't get something going soon and get some of this weight off of me I'm going to wake up dead one morning, and I don't think it's a far off thing either. What is wrong with a person who knows they are killing themselves with food, but they still won't stop? I just don't understand why I can't get this under some kind of control. It's insane.
I know what works for me, how I CAN control myself. I know how much better I feel when I start to take the weight off. So, tell me...why don't I just do it. Why don't I just keep at it until I get things to a managable level? It's not like I don't have a hundred things to live for. I want to do so much that I can't get myself to do because of the weight. I am going to Utah at the end of the month for General Conference. I've never been there for GC, I just watch it on TV like everyone else. This is a great opportunity for me, but the more I think about it I wonder if I'll be able to walk in the Conference Center among all those people. It's hard for me to go to the Symphony with Cheri at Bass Hall and it holds WAAAAYYY less people than the Conference Center. What if I get all the way there and then I just can't make myself go in to the conference center? How annoying is that going to be?
I'd just rather stay in my house and never go out for anything. I can't live like that though and I have to get OVER IT! I'm missing everything. It stinks!
BUT...that's my demon I suppose. Maybe one day I will decide to do it right and just DO IT! I really feel like I know what to do and how to do it, I just can't convince myself that I'm worth the effort.
I'm getting lost in my own life. Sometimes when I start cleaning the house I decide it's time to really purge. I will go through things and be very "realistic and critical" about the things I have and start getting rid of everything. I figure it's such a mess it's better to just get rid of it all and start all over again. It's almost like if I get rid of it all and start over I feel like I might to a better job the second time around. In the past I've thrown out all my cds, given away all of my books, given away all of my dvds and thrown out all my clothes. All so I can have a "fresh start" to try to get it righ the second time.
The thing is, I wonder what I thought I had gotten so wrong the first time. Some of my CDs weren't in the original cases and of course some were a little "worn". My DVD's...no, they were all in the original cases and none were scratched, but I guess there was something wrong with the "collection" I had.
I've actually caught myself thinking if I could just have another go of this "life" thing I could get it right the second time. I just can't figure out how to get that second chance, how to get that "do over" on life. They don't give those out!!
Okay...I feel cleansed now! Any suggestions would be appreciated!