Monday, March 7, 2011

Been a while, but I'm back

It's been over a year since I last posted on here, but I'm back and hoping to post more often. Then again, I always think that and say that, so I guess we'll just see what happens next.
It's been an intersting year. Lots of things have happened and it would take me forever to talk about all of it. For one thing Jordan spent about a month in the hospital in the fall of last year. It was so hard for us because it was the first hospitalization after he outgrew Cook Children's hospital. We ended up having to place him in John Peter Smith there in Fort Worth and that was a trial all by itself. The program there is very different compared to Cook Children's program. Very stark I would say. The rooms are stark, the workers are bored and annoyed by they their jobs, the other patients were not like the ones at Cook Children's. They were mostly runaways and young people placed there by the courts.
After a week or so there the hospital took it upon themselves to file with the court to have Jordan committed involuntarily. I understand that a lot of the people that end up in that place just want out and want to manipulate their parents to get them out, but Jordan just wanted the help. He wanted to feel good again and he wasn't going to leave if the doctors said he needed to stay.
When Jordan first got there they very abruptly changed his medication and it did a number on his personality. He became combative and defiant and rude. Just not like himself at all. I think they just didn't know that it was so far out of character for him and because of that they thought it best to gain control of his stay, so they filed with the court.
The problem there was that they made it seem like I was the one filing this with the court and that really bothered me. I knew Jordan wasn't going to understand how all this happened and that I wasn't trying to "get rid of him". They went so far as to serve him with the paperwork in that place...a Sherrif's deputy served him. He was all alone getting a bunch of papers that he wasn't possibly going to understand. It was not fair at all.
Anyway, when court finally came they were able to hear everyone speak about what we thought was best and Jordan got to talk to the court too about what he thought. After court the Deputy allowed me to speak to him for a few minutes and he seemed good. They held their decision for another week and even though the judge did eventually sign the commitment papers the hospital released him the day before Thanksgiving. It was a good Thanksgiving to say the least.
The other big change in this hospitalization was that they apparently finally diagnosed Jordan as Schizophrenia. It's always been Schizo-effective disorder/bipolar type, but now it's Schizophrenia, Bipolar disorder NOS...
The new medication finally started working for him and he's doing pretty well now. Last week Dr. Atkinson added Intuniv to his other meds and we have yet to see if that is going to help him at all.
Other than that Jesse is about to be three and Bethany is going to be two in May. Valeie just turned 23 and Jordan will be 16 on our birthday on the 20th of this month. Me? I'm going to be 44!! I'm excited for that. 4 is my favorite number so it's going to be a good year I'm sure of it.
Starting out a little rough. Justin has gone to a court ordered "cognitive thinking" program for three months and so I'm having to help Valerie foot the bills until he gets out and gets back to work. It's going to be hard, but we'll be fine I'm sure...pretty

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Time to move!

Not out of the house! Time to get up and move or make my move or something. If I don't get something going soon and get some of this weight off of me I'm going to wake up dead one morning, and I don't think it's a far off thing either. What is wrong with a person who knows they are killing themselves with food, but they still won't stop? I just don't understand why I can't get this under some kind of control. It's insane.
I know what works for me, how I CAN control myself. I know how much better I feel when I start to take the weight off. So, tell me...why don't I just do it. Why don't I just keep at it until I get things to a managable level? It's not like I don't have a hundred things to live for. I want to do so much that I can't get myself to do because of the weight. I am going to Utah at the end of the month for General Conference. I've never been there for GC, I just watch it on TV like everyone else. This is a great opportunity for me, but the more I think about it I wonder if I'll be able to walk in the Conference Center among all those people. It's hard for me to go to the Symphony with Cheri at Bass Hall and it holds WAAAAYYY less people than the Conference Center. What if I get all the way there and then I just can't make myself go in to the conference center? How annoying is that going to be?
I'd just rather stay in my house and never go out for anything. I can't live like that though and I have to get OVER IT! I'm missing everything. It stinks!
BUT...that's my demon I suppose. Maybe one day I will decide to do it right and just DO IT! I really feel like I know what to do and how to do it, I just can't convince myself that I'm worth the effort.
I'm getting lost in my own life. Sometimes when I start cleaning the house I decide it's time to really purge. I will go through things and be very "realistic and critical" about the things I have and start getting rid of everything. I figure it's such a mess it's better to just get rid of it all and start all over again. It's almost like if I get rid of it all and start over I feel like I might to a better job the second time around. In the past I've thrown out all my cds, given away all of my books, given away all of my dvds and thrown out all my clothes. All so I can have a "fresh start" to try to get it righ the second time.
The thing is, I wonder what I thought I had gotten so wrong the first time. Some of my CDs weren't in the original cases and of course some were a little "worn". My DVD', they were all in the original cases and none were scratched, but I guess there was something wrong with the "collection" I had.
I've actually caught myself thinking if I could just have another go of this "life" thing I could get it right the second time. I just can't figure out how to get that second chance, how to get that "do over" on life. They don't give those out!!
Okay...I feel cleansed now! Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Laughter IS the best medicine!

I posted a quote the other day on facebook by Bob Hope. He said something about what laughter can do, even in a situation where there is pain. As I've thought about it the last few days I remember what happened when dad was in the hospital just before he died.
It was about a week before he died. His liver was starting to fail and that was causing him some confusion. It seemed like every movie we put on to watch caused him to send me out looking for someone to fix "the problem" it brought up. We watched Junior and he thought he was pregnant. We watched Silver Streak and he thought he was on a train all alone. We watched Speed and he didn't know why he was driving this bus. So, we finally landed on Singin' in the Rain and that one movie didn't bother him at all. So, for the last week of his life all we watched was Singin' in the Rain, over and over and over again. Even The Price is Right bothered him because he couldn't get the prices right.
Anyway, one evening JoAnn decided that she was going to spend the night at the hospital with the two of us, just to keep me company and to be there for dad. It was after ten that night and Dad was aggitated and needed a shot for pain. We called the nurse in and this sweet young nurse came in speaking with a very thick hispanic accent. She was just the nicest young girl and was so soft spoken. We were all talking as she came in to see what he needed. JoAnn told her that he needed a shot for the pain and that it was time for them to check his blood sugar. The nurse got the stuff to check his blood sugar and came back in right away at which point dad started asking her the strangest questions.
First he wanted to know if the book was ready. We had no idea what he was talking about. Then he informed her that she was supposed to have printed the book out already and that the students needed it.
She went about her business hoping he would just get passed it. Then he proceeded to ask her how he was supposed to know how much of the book was supposed to be paper and how much was supposed to be urine. HOw would he know how many projects to have the students do on paper and how many to do on urine. This went on and on for several minutes and I could not help myself, it started to be more than I could handle in the room. So, I left the room and left JoAnn in there with the nurse while he kept on asking about this book of urine and paper that he'd written.
I knew that if I had laughed in front of him he would have been ticked off because as far as he was concerned he was 100% serious! So, I stood in the doorway out of sight and just busted up laughing.
I know, it didn't help JoAnn hold it together to watch me out there laughing uncontrollably. After about five more minutes she left the room too and joined me on the floor in the hallway. We had left that poor sweet girl in there with him insisting that she answer his insane questions. She kept saying "I don't know Mr. Parrish." "I just don't know" She was stuck in there for about ten minutes by herself and then she managed to get away to go get his shot. Then she had to go back took her a few minutes to gain back her composure after being in the hall with us laughing, but she did manage and got caught in there for about twenty minutes the second time.
It's one of those things that you just can't understand unless you had been there. JoAnn and I will always have that crazy, crazy together. All the weeks of sickness and treatments and pain and dying that went on in that room since we had been there faded away in those moments into uncontrollable laughter and I like to think that dad would have enjoyed giving us that moment. Very cathartic!
It was just a few days later that everyone was there at the hospital and things were looking pretty grave. Dad was having trouble breathing and with everyone there he felt like he was probably dying. After a couple of hours he just looked at us and said, "Guys I'm sorry, I'm trying my best to die." The next day they put him in a drug induced coma because he was so aggitated by things. Then they moved him to the hospice floor.
The nurses on that floor were great. They would come in and talk to me for a while every shift. One of the nurses got to talking to me and I started to tell her about the time that Cheri watched Dark Night of the Scarecrow when she was in high school and how dad and I stuffed some clothes and propped them up just inside her room while she was gone to church. Scared her to death! SO FUNNY!!! I told the nurse that it was dad's idea to do it and he started sort of "growling" in his sleep. We thought that was pretty funny that even though he was in a coma he wanted to put his two cents in to who was actualy responsible for that scarecrow.
Anyway, he died the next morning just before dawn. That's all. I was just thinking about how we laughed that night when he had the nurse trapped in his room and then the night he protested my telling of our story even though he was in a coma. It's kind of amazing how we can laugh when our hearts are full of tears and when the world seems to be falling down around us. In fact, those are some of the best laughs I've ever had!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

football and nonsense....

Good game last night~ Loboes pull out a one point win in ot and are on to the next week of playoffs. Next week, believe it or not, we will be playing in Early. We'll be playing San Saba, which makes me happy. Of course I better not get too happy because when I get overly happy about who we are playing we tend to not win so much...hehehe.
Anyway, Jordan and I were just looking up brackets and whatever on the computer and trying to figure out who we might play the next week and on to State if we should continue on...which we will because we are the Loboes. I just love the football!!!
So, next week we'll be close and be playing a game I'm pretty sure we'll win easily. I like that. Then maybe we'll get to play Sanford-Fritch!!
As for now I'm just so happy that the game turned out like it did last night. OT play is always a nail biter, but last night was REALLY a hard one to wait out. I like it when the game is not a run away, but I hate it when everything we do seems to get undone by the other team and we seem to be running in place...BUT winning is winning and it lets us play again.
After the game I had the strangest dreams all night about going on a trip with my dad and my kids. I lost the car in a parking lot and never did find it. I was very frustrated when I woke up, but it is always nice to dream about dad. Well, at least when it's good dreams.
Ugh! There are so many flies in my house...I had the door open a lot yesterday because it was so pretty out and they just decided that it's great to be indoor flies and I think they have raised tiny little fly families in here now. I'm about to get the fly swatter out and start ending the family tree!!
Other than those things it's just a quiet Saturday and I'm about to get off here and get Jordan to work on his room and get myself to work on the kitchen and the laundry. Now that I have everyone else's laundry done I can get all mine done! I'll be glad when Christmas comes and Valerie gets her new w/d so she can keep up with her own laundry. I don't mind doing hers for her, but it gets me behind at times on my own and I hate to be behind on laundry. hehee..I just looked and there is probably one load in there, what a baby am I to complain about one load!?
Okay, talk to you later...the phone's ringing!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Creating Habits

Okay, so it's still quiet in the house this morning and I love this time of day because it's when I can think and plan and get things worked out in my head. For me, I have to have things set out in my brain before I can ever get anything moving on the outside. This may be part of the reason I get so little done at times...having little or no time to think leaves me with a blank brain and that means I'm lost as to getting anything done.
At General Conference this past month Elder Bednar gave the most amazing talk. I know it's not the one most people have been talking about from Conference but I can honestly say that his talk has changed our home. Jordan and I have been sort of disconnected for a while, no big secret there. This summer was a particularly rough one in our lives. Jordan's illness, exploded into an ongoing fight this summer. We couldn't decide what to have for dinner it seemed like without a power struggle and a few threats of violence. His new found strength, thanks to the football summer strength program, made this even harder to deal with because I found myself at a loss as to how I was going to deal with this if it kept escalating. He's stronger than I am already and until we got his medication changed he was in a constant rage over nothing.
Now that things are under control with his emotions we have needed to patch up our "relationship" because it really was being damaged through all of this. It was just a question of how we could do it. I suggested that we attend family therapy, in addition to his regular therapy, but that never did come about. So, things went along tense but calm until General Conference.
Elder Bednar spoke of being "More Diligent and Concerned at Home" right on the nose was that? I heard the talk during Conf. Then immediately looked it up on the's amazing how fast they have it available to listen to on there. I listened to it again that Saturday. I played it for Jordan and it was like a light had turned on in our lives. I knew immediately what we had to do and how to chance the course of our home. Monday morning, before Jordan left for school I stopped him at the door and asked that we begin our day the way missionaries do by not leaving the house before we have prayer together. He agreed and after our prayer I asked him the BIG QUESTION!!!
Could I have ONE hug! Just one in the mornings before he leaves for the day and I wouldn't ask him for anything more. This is a big deal with Jordan because he doesn't like to touch people. He especially doesn't like to hug people. I would add that maybe he especially doesn't like to hug ME...but that's just because he's 14, no other reason. But honestly he has a pretty strong aversion to touching people...he will sniff them, but doesn't really want to touch them...that's a WHOLE OTHER POST!!
Anyway, he did it. He gave me a hug. It wasn't the best. In fact it was almost painful...I KNOW it was painful for him I could tell that for sure. It was hard for him, but he did it. And every day since then he's stopped long enough for prayer and a hug. The hugs have gotten more natural. The prayers have gained meaning. The mood in our home has changed. Power struggles are still exist, but they are less frequent and less volatile.
It's habit now. It's what we do now. We stop long enough to pray and hug and have even added the "I love you" that we both need. It's been nice. It's been a habit worth developing!! Thanks Elder Bednar.....

Monday, November 9, 2009

Another Monday!

I got up this morning looking forward to a new week with the kids and the house and just life in general. Feeling good today. Then the kids decided to I know they are just curious and full of energy and all that, but by lunch time I was tired of the day and ready for it to be over with. Oh well, nap time always renews me for the afternoon and I'm still riding pretty high off of the fact that I didn't die with that stupid flu, so it's all good.
I'm still fighting a cough and feeling like I'm not getting much air even though I feel like I'm breathing okay. It's just taking so long to get over this mess and I want to feel all better so I can do things. Mostly I'd just like to get back to walking on the treadmill in the mornings. I feel sluggish when I don't get to start my day out with a little activity, but the way I am right now I can't start out with activity, or I'll pass out...
The good news is the family is doing well. Jordan has really been doing well since his last medication change. I'm so glad of that. He's been getting up for school fairly easily and there have been no outbursts or threats or anything like that. This past weekend was strange.
He went off to the football game on Friday night with the band and didn't get home until after midnight, but I had told him before school that day that he was going to have to spend the weekend at home getting his room clean and in some sort of order. He agreed, but then woke me up after getting home from the game to see if he could spend the night with Tyler. He doesn't usually spend the night with Tyler, and being asleep I agreed. So, Saturday morning he wasn't home and I had to go off to Abilene for a little while. I left a note telling him what all he needed to do when he got home.
I got home at about four and he had been home, ignored the note and was gone again. I called his friends to find him and figured out where he was, but I decided not to go get him because he KNEW that I had asked that he stay home this weekend and I really expected him to call and come home soon on his own. He never did. Late Saturday night he came in and got his medication and apparently decided to spend the night with another friend and Sunday morning I headed off to Church on my own.
I found a note when I got home from Church saying he would be home by three....well, the end of the story is, at about seven fifteen he called to see if I could come pick him up. I did and didn't mention anything about the weekend. I got the house cleaned on my own, except for his room. I'm NOT doing his room for him, he's almost 15 years old he can clean his own room. He never argued with me Sunday night when I told him to get a shower and get ready for bed at eight thirty. I told him I'd be getting him up early in the morning and he didn't balk at that either. He knew he had done wrong, and that's what I'm counting on to get this straight. He needs to know that it's not ME imposing consequences on him, but that he's calling them down on himself. He had to get up early this morning to start work on his room and then he will be sent directly in there to continue when he gets home. Also, I'm not going to allow him to go to his friends' this weekend because he doesn't really deserve to go right now, but we'll talk about that when the time comes.
I have decided that I'm just not going to fight with him anymore, I'm just going to stick to my guns and keep things simple. I can't keep fighting over every single thing that comes up. It's not healthy, it's not good for our home and it's not helping him or me at all!
We'll see how things go this week!
Love and Logic!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Surviving the swine flu!

I started this blog and immediately got sick with the flu and didn't write any more. I am getting over it now and feel like it's time to update things so as to keep my momentum going. I am intent on sharing my thoughts on this blog and if I slack for a while I'll just give up on it. The entire purpose is that I learn to get outside of my head and work things out.
So, here I am again writing about things and actually enjoying myself. Of course, it helps that I finally got my new split keyboard in the mail today because that hideous straight one was NO GOOD at all. I'd gotten used to it, but it was still never comfortable, this one is SO much better.
The flu! Having the flu is never fun, but this swine flu was just wrong! First of all it kept teasing me for like three days. Kept giving me that "something's coming on" headache and low fever, but then nothing. Finally after three days of that there were three days of HIGH fever, coughing, headache, nausea and restlessness. Just miserable days. Couldn't sleep laying down because I couldn't breathe. The restlessness was almost worse than the rest of it. Once I finally got the fever down to not cooking my brain it just hung on for another four days sort of coming and going, but not getting as high as at first. I'd feel a little bit better and then, bam back where I started.
Since it's just Jordan and me here it was terrible on the house. Jordan certainly doesn't do anythig around here when he feels good so when he was still feeling bad himself he did less than nothing. I tried a couple of times to clean up, but it never worked out. I pooped out before I got much done. Once Jordan was feeling better he just refused to help at all which ticked me off and that made it all worse. I was mad at him for not doing one simple thing I asked him to do, so I got up and did it myself and then felt worse for getting out of breath and all worked up.
Anyway, almost all better now. I just have this cough lingering now and even though it's really annoying I am just glad to be better than I was the last ten days. THANK GOODNESS!! I have vowed never to get sick again. Yeah, we'll see, but I'm certainly going to try HARD to stay well...and I'm going to appreciate being well!!! I PROMISE!!

Now, for a bit of a funny that happened on me today, sort of because of being sick. Valerie and I were watching Modern Family from this past week. The part where the two gay guys locked the baby in the car is just too funnnnnnyyyy! The little chubby one running with the trash can saying, "I'm gonna break the window" in that high pitched voice just kills me...almost litterally!
We watched it and laughed and then Valerie went to sit at the computer desk and I started laughing again. The only thing is I couldn't really laugh because I have that annoying congestion in my chest and so I sort of got choked on the laugh....and suddenly I didn't know what was happening and Valerie was standing over me saying "Mom, what are you doing, what are you doing?"
Apparently I passed out and was jerking around and my eyes were rolling back in my head cause I got so out of breath....hehehe. Scared the hooey out of too for a minute there. I've often thought that was going to happen to me, but this is the first time that I've actually passed out from laughing too funny is that?????
Okay, gotta go now. Talk to you later!